Emotions

Dear Lord,

I don't even know where to begin. I'm searching all over again, which I don't want to do. Is it wrong to just want to be "normal?" You created me, you know me, inside and out. Every piece of me. Why is it that you made me "different?" Why do I have this hormonal imbalance that other women don't have? I don't understand. I want to understand, but I just don't get it. I'm at a loss, I'm scared. I cry all the time, my moods change on a dime, and I feel like I'll never be the same as other women, like I can't compare to them. I know you do all things well, so I know you had a reason for making me the way I am, but I just don't understand it. Sometimes I just wonder why you chose me, some days I feel honored because you must've chose me because that means I'm strong and can handle it. Other days I wonder if you chose me just so you could see how far I would go. I hate crying, I'm so tired of it, nights of crying myself to sleep for no reason at all, randomly getting depressed or sad, randomly getting mad. I just want to know what your thoughts were while you were making me. You don't make mistakes so I know this was on purpose. I just wonder, but I know I'm not entitled to knowing that, I need to learn to trust you and fully rely on knowing that you do all things well, no matter the situation. I'm asking you to help me though, Lord. I'm asking you to change me from the inside-out. Help me learn to control my emotions, help me to live an "normal" life. It's scary, my whole world could be changed just because of this one thing. I'm scared and I really need your comfort, I need your reassurance that you know what you're doing. Please help me to be a better servant, a better daughter, a better girlfriend, a better friend, Lord whatever you need me to be, I want to be. Show me your ways Lord, teach me your ways.

Love,
Your little girl

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139: 1-18